When it comes to parenting, it can be tempting to focus on telling our kids what not to do. We might say things like “Don’t run in the house,” “Don’t touch the stove,” or “Don’t talk back to me.” While it’s important to establish boundaries and keep our kids safe, constantly telling them what not to do can have some negative effects.
The Problem with Saying No to Kids
First of all, constantly saying “no” can be frustrating for both kids and parents. Kids may feel like they are always being told what they can’t do, and parents may feel like they are constantly nagging. This can lead to tension and conflict within the family. In addition, research has shown that when kids are constantly being told what they can’t do, they may become more resistant to following rules and may even be more likely to engage in the prohibited behavior (a phenomenon known as “reactance”). Experts in the field of child psychology tend to agree with this notion as noted below:
- According to Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and parenting expert, “When you tell kids what to do, instead of what not to do, you’re giving them the information they need to succeed.” She advises parents to focus on the behavior they want to see, rather than constantly telling kids what not to do, because it helps kids understand what is expected of them and sets them up for success.
- Dr. Jayne Major, a child and family therapist, agrees that positive framing is more effective than negative framing when it comes to changing behavior. She advises parents to “reframe negative statements into positive ones, so instead of saying ‘Don’t forget your lunch,’ say ‘Remember to bring your lunch to school today.'”
- Dr. Heather Wittenberg, a licensed clinical psychologist, recommends giving kids choices as a way to encourage positive behavior. She suggests saying things like “Would you like to brush your teeth now or in five minutes?” or “Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt today?” Giving kids choices can help them feel more in control and can lead to more positive behavior.
Overall, there is a consensus among professionals that positive framing and providing kids with choices are more effective strategies for encouraging good behavior than constantly telling kids what not to do.
Positive Framing: The Alternative to Saying No to Kids
Another problem with constantly telling kids what not to do is that it can lead to a negative mindset. When kids are constantly being told what they can’t do, they may start to believe that they are not capable or that they are always doing something wrong. This can damage their self-esteem and self-confidence. In contrast, when kids are given positive reinforcement for their behavior and are told what they can do, they are more likely to feel confident and capable.
So, what can we do instead? One alternative is to focus on telling kids what to do. Instead of saying “Don’t run in the house,” we could say “Please walk inside.” Instead of saying “Don’t touch the stove,” we could say “The stove is hot and it can burn you. Please stay away from it.” By focusing on what we want our kids to do, we can give them clear direction and help them understand what is expected of them. This approach is known as “positive framing” and has been shown to be more effective in changing behavior than negative framing (telling kids what not to do).
Another approach is to provide kids with choices. Instead of simply saying “No,” we could give them the option to choose between two acceptable options. For example, instead of saying “Don’t talk back to me,” we could say “You can either talk to me respectfully or you can go to your room and calm down.” This gives kids some control over the situation and helps them learn to make good choices. Providing kids with choices can also help them feel more competent and empowered, which can lead to more positive behavior.
Great Examples of Positive Framing
Negative: “Don’t hit your sister.”
Positive: “Use kind words and gentle touches with your sister.”
Negative: “Don’t leave your toys all over the floor.”
Positive: “Please put your toys away when you’re finished playing with them.”
Negative: “Don’t forget to brush your teeth.”
Positive: “Remember to brush your teeth before bed.”
Negative: “Don’t leave the water running.”
Positive: “Please turn the water off when you’re finished using it.”
Negative: “Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking.”
Positive: “Please wait your turn to speak.”
Negative: “Don’t forget to put your shoes away.”
Positive: “Remember to put your shoes in the closet when you come home.”
Negative: “Don’t forget to turn off the lights.”
Positive: “Remember to turn off the lights when you leave a room.”
Negative: “Don’t talk during class.”
Positive: “Please raise your hand if you have something to say during class.”
Negative: “Don’t leave food out on the counter.”
Positive: “Please put all food away in the refrigerator when you’re finished with it.”
Negative: “Don’t leave your clothes on the floor.”
Positive: “Please hang up your clothes when you take them off.”
Negative: “Don’t leave the door open.”
Positive: “Please close the door when you come in or go out.”
Negative: “Don’t shout.”
Positive: “Please use an inside voice.”
Negative: “Don’t play ball in the house.”
Positive: “Please play ball outside or in the basement.”
While it’s important to establish boundaries and keep our kids safe, constantly telling them what not to do can be frustrating and damaging.
Instead, we can focus on telling kids what to do, provide them with choices, and help them learn to make good decisions. By using positive framing and giving kids the opportunity to make their own choices, we can foster a positive and supportive environment that encourages good behavior.
This approach not only benefits kids in the short term, but it can also have long-term positive effects on family life and can even shape the way kids behave as adults.
By teaching kids to make good decisions and to think for themselves, we can help them develop important life skills that will serve them well and teach them to be self-efficient human beings.
