Co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner can be a difficult and emotionally draining experience. Narcissistic individuals often lack empathy and prioritize their own needs and wants above those of others, which can make it challenging to co-parent and prioritize the needs of children effectively. They may dwell in anger and seek revenge, viewing themselves as superior to others and manipulating reality to justify their actions. It is important to remember that, until your children become adults, your narcissistic co-parent will be a part of your and your children’s lives. While it may be difficult, there are steps you can take to set boundaries, protect yourself, and protect your children.
Should I try to prove to the courts that my ex is a narcissist?
Deciding whether or not to try to prove to the court that your co-parent has a personality disorder like narcissism is no easy feat. When it comes to non-physical abuse, it can be challenging to provide concrete evidence of a disorder such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissists typically don’t see the need for self-improvement and, therefore may not seek therapy, making it unlikely that there will be an official, clinical diagnosis on record. In these situations, it might be wise to have a reliable attorney with experience in handling toxic individuals on speed dial to help navigate any legal issues that may arise.
In most cases, trying to prove to the court that my co-parent has a personality disorder like narcissism is an exhausting and expensive process that may ultimately prove futile. The family court system isn’t equipped to handle the complexities of narcissism or other personality disorders. Highly skilled narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) individuals are often able to manipulate the courts, as they do with most people. A judge may not see that my NPD co-parent is using the court to manipulate and control me through our children. I’ve seen several people try to prove to a judge that their ex is a narcissist, but none have been successful. In fact, one woman I know tried for over four years, going to court dates, undergoing mandated evaluations, and even lobbying the government, but nothing came of it.
How do they get away with it?
A judge may also order both parents to undergo psychological evaluations, often including the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) test. If the narcissistic parent is unable to outsmart the test (which is certainly a possibility), it could provide valuable information to the court. If the judge determines that the co-parent does indeed suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, they can make more informed decisions about what is in the best interests of the children. However, it is important not to get one’s hopes up. In some cases, a judge may also call the child to the witness stand. When answering questions in front of the narcissistic parent, it is clear that there is a power dynamic at play. While it may be difficult for outsiders to see, the presence of a narcissistic parent can be intimidating and manipulative for the child. It can be heartbreaking to witness the child being scared and completely under the control of the narcissistic parent, who may use nonverbal cues to instruct the child on what to say. Until the family law system has a better way of dealing with narcissistic parents, it is possible that shared parenting time may be ordered on a 50/50 basis.
If you are dealing with a narcissistic co-parent during a custody battle, it is important to remember to prioritize the well-being of your children and to protect yourself. Here are some practical tips for managing narcissistic behavior:
- Set boundaries: It is important to set clear boundaries with your narcissistic co-parent and to communicate them effectively. This can help to reduce conflict and protect you from manipulation.
- Seek support: Dealing with a narcissistic co-parent can be emotionally draining. It is important to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to help cope with the challenges of co-parenting with a narcissistic individual.
- Keep a record: Document any instances of narcissistic behavior or manipulation, including emails, texts, and conversations. This can be helpful if you need to present evidence to the court.
- Communicate through a mediator: If direct communication with your narcissistic co-parent is not effective, consider using a mediator to facilitate communication.
- Focus on the children: Remember to keep the needs of your children at the forefront of any decisions related to co-parenting. It may be helpful to create a co-parenting plan that outlines how you will both meet the needs of your children.
- Seek legal counsel: It may be advisable to consult with an attorney, particularly one with experience in dealing with toxic individuals, to help navigate any legal issues that may arise.
- Use “I” statements: When communicating with your narcissistic co-parent, try to use “I” statements to express your own feelings and needs, rather than attacking or blaming your co-parent. For example, instead of saying “You always make everything about you,” you could say “I feel frustrated when our conversations focus solely on your needs and not mine.”
- Take care of yourself: Co-parenting with a narcissistic individual can be emotionally draining and stressful. It is important to prioritize your own well-being and take breaks as needed to recharge and manage your own emotions.
- Seek outside help: If you feel overwhelmed or unsafe, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor to work through your feelings and develop coping strategies.
- Remember that you are not alone: It is common to feel isolated when co-parenting with a narcissistic individual. Remember that there are others in similar situations and support groups or online communities can be helpful in finding strength and solidarity.
Deanna Middleton
